So much is running through my mind. The time is late and I should be sleeping but the questions keep flying at me. What am I doing? Where am I going? What direction should I take? They say that holidays are a time of reflection. A time to look back on the past year. That is the last thing I want to do. I want to move forward. This year has been one of the worst in my life but at least it has had some shining moments.
I am still in a place that I don’t have the answers to the questions that keep me up at night. I am in a place where I feel unsettled. I feel a bit chaotic and a bit unfocused. There are so many things I want for my future and the future of my child and yet I don’t really know what I want.
Lost… I think I am a little lost. I want to sleep when I should be up. I can’t sleep when I should be sleeping. Everytime I turn around I add another thing to the list I need to do and yet I just stare at the list and do nothing to accomplish it.
Chaos… I feel chaotic. I feel like I am running in 6 different directions. I am filling every minute of my time with the wrong things and the wrong people. I know I am not making the right choices but the wrong choice are a little more fun. The wrong choices also add chaos in an already unsettled life.
Unsettled… I have worked so hard to deal with the emotions that come along with losing your father and your marriage in the same few months. I have prayed. I have cried. I have been to therapy but part of me just can’t move past this feeling of uneasy with this new phases of my life.
Alone… I feel very alone. I don’t know if anyone quite gets what I am going through. We are just a few days before Christmas. My Dad’s favorite holiday and he won’t be here this year. Add to that lonely spot in my heart, my small boy will be with his Dad for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. And me, I will be missing my Dad, missing my family in Pennsylvania, in this quiet house, waiting for the minute my small boy arrives.
Angry… I am going to wake up on Christmas morning and miss the light in my child’s eyes when he sees that tree full of presents. This sucks. It just hard but hard with a chance at happiness is better than the alternative. Living life knowing that you will never be truly happy was soul-crushing but this is hard, so very hard.
Sad… I am sad. Sad, I can’t hug my dad. Sad, I will miss putting out cookies for Santa and sprinkling reindeer food. Sad, I can’t be in Pennsylvania with my family. Sad, I am at this place in my life when I thought I had found my happily ever after. I am still mourning what should have been and not really living in what is.
Anxious… What does the next year hold for me? Will it bring happiness? Will it bring adventure? Will it bring success? Will it bring love? I know that God has a plan but I can’t seem to quiet the anxiety. It’s why I am sitting here at 2:30am in the morning typing a blog.
Hopeful… Happiness is on the horizon. I know it. I can feel it coming. It’s like that first spring day after a long winter. You look up and can feel the warmth of the sun kissing your cheeks. You know those flip flops are coming out of the closet soon. I’m on the cusp. I can feel it. I just need to find the patience to let it happen.
Thankful… I have said it before and I will stay again. I live a beautifully blessed, messy life. I have a beautiful home, I have wonderful friends. I have an amazing family. I have the sweetest, small boy a mom could ask for. I have a great job. I have cool cars. I have all the creature comforts I need and want. Most importantly, I serve an amazing God that has been there for me every step of the way.
I can say that I am looking forward. I am hopeful. I am excited. This world is a wonder and I want to see it with open arms. I will dance a little more. I will to sing a little more. I will pray a little more. I want to love harder, laugh louder and smile bigger. I want it all and I intend to find it. I know that I am on his path and I know that it will take me to magical places if I can be patient enough to wait.
I don’t believe in New Years resolutions but I do believe in a New Years mind set. It is a chance to start over. It is a chance to leave this shit show of a year behind me. And so I will. As I close out 2019, I will say goodbye to the hurt and the pain. The empty feeling. I will say goodbye to the worst year of my life. I will leave it behind and only take a few precious memories with me. In the midst of my storm, there was so much light that pulled me through. So, I will focus on that.
I will focus on the good. I will focus on the the reason I am still standing. I will focus on God. I will focus on the sand castles I built with Riley. The wines nights full of laughter with friends. The sparkle in my child’s eye as we navigated Disney together. The strangers that became friends. The support of my amazing Sassafras girls. The late nights with sweet friends. That amazing first kiss. That amazing night. The best goodbye I never knew I needed but am glad it happened, goodbye my crazy life boy. I will focus on the small boys successes, his laugh, his smile and his sweet “I love you’s.” I will focus on how far I have come and what I have made it through. The storm has been long and it has been hard but it has brought good from places I didn’t know it would. It brought light when I need it. It brought knowledge and healing and hope.
So, 2020, I am coming for you. I know there will be more good than bad and I am ready and excited. I know that we don’t always get easy but I know it will be better. When the hard days come, I will remember, in the midst of chaos sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.
Much Love,
The Manicured Mom
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