Raising the red flags.

Dating is hard and weird and strange. When you have been out of the scene for 13 years and never thought you’d date again, it is an awkward transition. It’s hard to look for something when you don’t know what you really want. Dating has changed so much in 13 years. In the age of dating apps and instant gratification, it is a very different world then it used to be. And it is not for the better.

Some men are annoying and weird and scary. Not all, but some. Some want to jump in at the first sign of a common interest. Some want to play games. Some want more than you can give and some want to give too much. Some lie. Some are more than you can deal with and some are just waving red flags at every turn. So, let’s talk about dating in today’s world.

I have jumped online to give the dating apps a try. I’ve been set up by friends. I’ve met men in bars and at lunch. Woah. What an experience this last few months since my legal separation s been. Wow, is all I can say. There has been good, there has been bad and there has been down right strange. If you don’t want to hear the rudely, raw truth, stop reading now. Mom, this is where you click off my blog. You may not like what you hear, so be warned. Let me give you the run down from the top contenders to be single forever.

1. The pictures were 10 years old guy. Chatted with a guy online. Divorced, couple of kids, cute pics. Seemed nice. We had some common interest. Made plans to meet for a drink. I was very confused when he walked up to me and it became obviously apparent that every picture on his profile was from at least 10-15 years ago. He was not the handsome man in the photos. He was that guy’s Dad. Red flag, be honest with who you are. Had I seen pictures of the actual guy, I would have still considered the date but now that I know you lied, no. You are obviously not comfortable with yourself. Done. Put the car back in the pits. The caution flag has been raised and I am calling in reinforcements. The pit crew needs to do a little work on you before your ready for my track.

2. The blow job guy. This is what my Mom does not want to read but it happened and I am still in shock. Chatted online. Cute pics, seemed nice, good job, divorced, 1 son in college. We made plans to meet for a drink. He text me to stay he was running late because of an accident. I got a table and ordered a beer. About 15 minutes after, he shows up, and order a beer. Looks at me and with a completely straight face, says, “While we are waiting on my beer, do you want to go to the bathroom and give me a blow job?” Wait??? What? Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? If so, dude has a really bad sense of humor. In shock, I say, “Excuse me?” He quickly responds, “It’s my thing. I like my dick sucked. Better to figure out if your good at it now than waste my time. I need a good women that can suck a good dick.” I looked at him, mouth gaping open in shock. Got up, walked up to the bouncer and ask him to please escort me to my car. It was like the Indy 500 starting line. I couldn’t get my car to 6th gear fast enough. Wait? What? Did that just happen? And does that really work? It must of have worked at some point because he was very confident in his request. I left him in the dust and speed tires home.

3. The want to meet my mom guy. We met at a bar. Had a lot of fun together. We talked and laughed and danced. We exchanged numbers. He walked me to my Uber at the end of the night. Called me the next day at noon and ask me if I wanted to go to a late lunch with him and his Mom. He had mentioned me to her and she would love to meet me. Ummmm… You barely know me. Why are you talking to your mom about me? I don’t know, maybe, it’s just me, but I reserve introductions to my family for the ones that are going to stick around and I don’t believe you can make that decision based on a few hours in a bar. So, I didn’t go to lunch and I didn’t talk to him after that. No cautions flags here, I just vacated the track all together.

4. The looking for a mom guy. Online chat. Very handsome. Good job. 2 kids, 7 and 9. Widowed. Tragic car accident 3 years prior. Very sad. Just getting out in the dating world. We made plans to meet at Dave and Busters to play some video games. I show up a few minutes early, grabbed a table and text him to let him know where I was. Right on time, this incredibly handsome man walks up to me and stays hello. Wow! He is soooo much more attractive than his pictures. Jackpot! Or so I thought. I am so taken aback by his looks that I don’t notice the two children standing behind him until he sits down and says, “These are my children, if we are going to be together, they need to approve you first because you would be their mom.” Another, whoa!!!!! Don’t you think you should decide if you even like me before you involve your kids? And the starting gun has been fired and I am speeding towards the door. I will not stop for the checkered flag, there is no time for the winning burnout. It is time to go. No trophy will be received today.

5. The crazy, military man. This one! Man, if you could hang a poster on your wall and stare at it all day. It would be one of his. This man is what dreams are made of. He walked up to me at Panera and sat down at my table. I could not even speak. he was so attractive. More muscles than I have seen on a man in real life. I could see the 8 pack, yes 8 pack abs, through his perfectly pressed shirt. Perfect teeth, nicely dressed, sweet southern drawl, polite and nice blue eyes. I think I may have drooled. We chatted. We laughed, he ask me for drinks. I went. We had fun. The conversation was good. He was in town for a briefing. Green Beret, Special Ops. Explains the muscles and perfectly cut hair and pressed shirt. We made plans to meet again. Then, he mentioned all his squad would be there and a few of their wives. Ummm, a little to much for me, so I declined. We made plans to meet after. We did. He got real serious, really fast. He told me he wanted a commitment. He wanted to come home to me. I told him that I barely knew him but we could stay in touch. He was leaving the next day for Syria. At about 10pm that night, I started to get text messages. I woke up to 25 text messages. He needed to know if I would wait from him. Would I be here when he got back. I went to work and ignored my phone. The last text I receive was at 11am and it said, excuse the language, “My transport leaves in about 30 minutes and I need to fucking know if I have a girlfriend to come home to? Do you have any idea who the hell you are fucking with?” WHOA! Blocked that phone number quicker than the red flag could be raised. Thank goodness I am careful and he didn’t know where I lived or anything about my child. What in the love of all that is good and holy?

So, these have been my favorite but along the way, I have met a few more. I have had a lot of first and second dates but thirds? Those require substance and these are not them. I like to give them names. There has been the crazy life boy, the impatient guy, the issues guy, the hot, dumb guy, the speechless guy, the man of few words and the I am just not into you guy. A few have been nice guys, but not anything worth stopping the race for. Someone has to win and I want that to be me.

I will continue on with the adventure in dating until I find the guy holding the checkered flag letting me know I won. They shoot fireworks off at the end of the race. There is so much sparkle and shine and I want all of it. I deserve all of it and so, I will continue to put myself out there. I will continue to be picky. I will continue to have fun and laugh at the crazy of it all. I will continue to remember, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t like life dull your shines

Much Love,

The Manicured Mom

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