It’s hard to dance when you are standing on a wall. I tiptoed up there for quite a while. I have to be honest, that wall blocked the warmth of the sun. Years of trust issues and hurt made my world a dark place. When I finally got the courage to climb that wall, it felt good to just be on top. Precarious but good. It was a balancing act.
It was so tall. I could see the world from up there. I could reflect on everything that was behind it. I could see the darkness, the pain, the heartbreak. I could see the progress and the work it took to get to the point where I was not hiding. I was just proud I had made it that far. I was at the top. A year ago, I thought I threw away the ropes and ladders but somewhere along my dark, lonely path, I found them. Or maybe, it was that I had something unexplainable to help me find them.
Up I climbed.
And there I sat on top that wall. I could feel the sun and I could see the beauty but I was still bungeed to that safety rope for fear of falling. The balancing act was exhausting. Having to watch every little step. Every turn. One wrong move and I would fall. This time I might not recover. I was scared but I put my feet over the side. There was something unexplainable that was drawing me over the top. I wavered. I inched back up but then…
What was stopping me?
I realized, I needed to let go of my past. I needed to release it. It was no longer my responsibility. It was no longer mine to take care. I needed to accept that someday he would belong to someone else. He was not coming back. I didn’t want him to but I was also afraid to let him go. How do you let 13 years go? As much as you want to move forward, those 13 years were a part of me. A part of me that no longer needed to existed. Those 13 year put me behind that wall. Until I could truly say goodbye, I was stuck sitting at the top, dreaming about the beauty on the other side. I needed to look forward and to do so without the fear that my past had left behind. I need to let go of the hurt. I need to let go of the resentment. I needed to let go of my hold on it and its hold on me. It was my past. Not my future.
I sat in the conference room, signing those divorce papers, hearing those stamps imprinting the paper. Those sounds echoed in my ears. They seemed so loud and overwhelming. I wanted to jump for joy and cry at the same time. This is not where I thought I would be. It was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and a dagger to my heart. I had failed at marriage. I failed my child. I failed. I walked away because I lost my light. I walked away to find myself. I walked away to learn how to trust again. I walked away so I could let go of that heavy parachute. But I walked away. It was me that failed.
And so, I signed those papers, I bid farewell. I put the past in the past. There was no going back. I wouldn’t, even if I could but those signatures were so hard to write. I handed those papers over. I had no one to fall back on. It was just me. I had to do this on my own.
I slowly took off the safety ropes. With unsteady feet, a fearful heart and a little blind fate, I stepped onto that ladder. I, tentatively, began my decent. When I started to slip, something unexplainable happen. He caught me. We have laughed and we have cried. We have dove into our issues. We have revealed our baggage. We have decided that something unexplainable is happening. We are letting our past go. We are leaving our baggage behind. We are starting fresh. We are something unexplainable.
And when he put me down on the ground. I looked up at how tall that wall was and I danced. And for the first time in a long time, I was not worried I would fall. I already did. And the landing was soft. And sparkling. And full of laughter and hope. And I danced more freely than I have in years. And when it gets bumpy, I know that I can get through it. This last last year has taught me that in the midst of chaos, I can sparkle. I never let life dull my shine. And I never will.
The Manicured Mom