One of the hardest things to do in life is to move forward when there is no closure to the past. It is like a book that is missing the last few pages. No explanation. No reason. No answers. Just an abrupt end before the story was over. In my heart of hearts, I know that this is for the best but it is hard to let go. How do you walk away from someone who told you that they loved you and wanted to marry you without a simple goodbye? This is what keeps me up at night. This is what makes me wonder. Was it me? Did I do something? Am I the issue? Am I unloveable? Am I too much?
On the surface, I have all the confidence in the world, but in reality? That is an entirely different story. I am awkward. I am anxious. I am self-conscious. Did I do the wrong thing? Wear the wrong thing? Say the wrong thing? I had gotten past a lot of this. I was comfortable in my own skin. I was confident with who I was. I knew I was enough. And now? I feel like I have gone right back to that 22 year kid girl who didn’t know her own self worth. How did I let him get that far in my head? How did I let him break me?
When you never thought you’d be in your 40’s and single, it is a hard adjustment. When you start to move forward and find the one you think will be your last great romance and this happens? It is harder. I have never questioned myself more as person than I am right now. I have never felt so hollow and empty and lost. I have always been the one that says, keep moving, keep trying, keep going. I am forcing myself to do so but the reality is, I really just want to crawl in bed and pretend the world does not exists. I want to forget about it all. I want to hide under the covers and cry. I want to go back and fix it all. I want to drink wine with him and dance to country music in the kitchen. I want to talk till all hours of the night and fall asleep in his arms. I want to laugh with him. I want to look across the counter and see him starting over his laptop at me with that look only he can give. The look that made me feel more beautiful than I ever have. I want our kiss. It was that kiss that I felt from head to toe. I want him. I miss him. I miss us.
I know there is no going back. I wouldn’t if he walked in my door. I have realized too much. I have learned too much. He has hurt me too much. It will never be what it was but I want what it was and I can not figure out how to let it go. We were something unexplainable. There was an easiness and magic and chemistry that I have never had and I miss it. The hurt is so deep it makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to move forward. I want to let go. I want to forget it all. I want a day that I do not cry. I want a day that I don’t think of him. I want a day before he ever walked into my life. He promised me the world and he walked away without saying goodbye.
I want to say all the terrible things about him. I want to trash him. I want to make him pay. I want him to know the pain and heartbreak he is putting me through. I want him to suffer for walking away without a simple goodbye. I will do none of that because as horribly as he walked away, I love him. I know that he is broken and he needs to fix himself. He is not okay. I know he struggles. I know he walked away without a goodbye because he did not have the strength to look me in the eyes and break my heart. He took the cowards way out. It is easier to run away than to risk losing it all. He ran and I miss him. And by the way in which he did it, I know he never deserved me.
There are so many things I want to say to him. So, many wishes that I had for us and our future that will never happen. So many questions that will never be answered. If I could say just one last thing to him it would be, “At one point, in our relationship, I think I loved you more than life itself. Clearly, I was suicidal.” Wait!!! That is not it. Let’s try this again. “I loved you so much, you took my breath away. Now, I know that I was just suffocated by your bullshit.” Dammit! That is not it either. My resentment is shining through. Now, seriously, if I could talk to him one more time I would say, “I love you more than I ever thought I could and a part of me will always love you. I want to hate you for how you hurt me but I knew the risks going in. I will take the blame. You were broken and I thought I could fix you. You have so much work to do and so many issues to work through before you can truly love a women the way she deserves to be loved. Until you do the work, you will never find your happiness. I want more than anything in the world for you to find this happiness but please know that no one else can find it for you. Please take the time to heal from your past before you move on and crush someone else in your tidal wave. Please be safe and find your happiness.”
There you have it, I have sadness flowing from every ounce of me. I have so much regret. I know that I would never be in this position in the first place if I would have followed my head instead of my heart. I also know I would not have had some of the most magical moments of my life. For a brief moment in time, I felt a love I have never felt before and for that I am thankful. No matter how this happened and how terribly this ended, I know that he loved me as much as he could in his broken sort of way. So, what’s next?
Well, my wall is a little higher. My trust issues are a little deeper. My willingness to jump into something are a little less. I think for a while I will just float on the surface and stay away from the deep end. I don’t fully trust that I will listen to my own instincts. I have proven that I don’t when my heart takes over. So, for now, I think I need to put my heart away and lead with my mind. It’s not worth the risk. It’s not worth the heartache. It is not worth feeling this way again. Being single is hard. Being single and heart broken is unbearable. For now, I will take the hard road because it is easier than the alternative. It is easier that scaling that wall again.
So, here I am, once again, behind that protective wall. I have wrote about it before. I have scaled it before. Each time, it gets a little bit taller. Each time it gets a little scarier. Each time, the trek to the top seem more impossible than the last. Someday, I may get the courage to climb it again. Someday, someone might be strong enough to break it down. Someday, maybe. Until then, I will remember, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.
The Manicured Mom