Emotional processing

18 summers…

The other day someone mentioned that we only have 18 summers with our littles. This was the first time I had heard this and it made me incredibly sad. But, we have their whole lives? Nope, they have their whole lives. We get 18 until they flee the nest. 18 to make memories to last a lifetime. Only 18. That is all we get.

My little guy is on his sixth summer in this world. That means, I only have 12 left. Now, in my current situation, I have to divide that by two. Joint custody is tough. So six. Six short summers.

If I followed my selfish heart, I would have gone to court and fought for every minute of time I could get with my sweet boy. That was not the right thing to do. My child needs his father. He may not have been great in our in our marriage but he alway shows up as a father. He is an awesome Dad. I made the very hard, gut wrenching decision to share 50/50 custody of my sweet boy because it was what was best for him. Not best for me, but him.

God did not put this boy in my life so I could enjoy every moment and do what was best for me. He put this very special, emotionally intuitive, little guy with me because he knew he needed someone that would put their feeling aside and his first. I didn’t know the path my life would take, but God did and he lead me to make a decision that my heart screams no at. He lead me to make the right decision for my child.

He lead me to pray on it. He hears my pain and my anguish. He sees my tears. He knows my anger and he still loves me. And so I will pray that he makes this easier and I will thank him for his grace and his never ending love.

I don’t know where my path is heading but I know I only have six summers left to make memories with my child so I will choose him. I will choose to play more and work less. I will choose dinners at the pool instead of nights in front of the television. I will choose early bedtimes for early morning adventures. I will choose lego building over house cleaning. I will choose long bedtime snuggles over dirty dishes.

Every time.

Every day.

Every moment.

I will choose him.

Only 18 summers and he is gone and we are a third of the way there. From this moment forward, I will choose him. He is the most important thing and everything else pales in comparison.

My moments with him make me sparkle. The other night, I had cleaning to do and stuff to pack up for Daddy’s place but I choose him. We played football at the pool and had lunch-ables for dinner. We talked and giggled as we rushed through eating during adult swim so we could get back to our game of catch. I soaked it in because the next day he would not be here. He would be at his Dad’s. I sparkled a little brighter. I sparkled cause I choose him.

And, you know what? He smiled a little more because I choose him. I hope one day he looks back and remembers nights like this. I hope he remembers that Mommy’s to do list was five pages long and I tossed it aside for him.

I pray that he always knows how much I love him and that I will always choose him.

So, I am off to get some sleep so I can accomplish my five page to do list while he spends some time with Daddy.

Thanks for listening to me ramble and allowing me to sit on your couch. Through this all, I am learning to listen to myself when I say, “In the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.”

Much Love,

The Manicured Mom

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