Adventure, Emotional processing

What if…

Spontaneity is not something that I am known for. I am an over-thinker. I am an over-analyzer. I am a what-iffer. (Yes, I made up that word.) I have a tendency to live in the zone of “what if” and have missed out on some really amazing things. Missing out leads to a lot of “what if I would have” scenarios running through my mind. Rinse, wash, repeat.

It is a no win situation. There will always be a “what-if” when you allow it to let you pass up an opportunity. Maybe, it’s something you’ve never done before. Maybe, it’s something you said you would never do. Maybe, it’s something wild and crazy and spontaneous that could turn out to be something amazing. Well, that’s not me, I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. What if something happen? What if I don’t enjoy it? What if it’s weird? What if? What if? WHAT IF?!?!

I was chatting with my sweet friend, Nicole, and she said to me, “Just be in the moment… enjoy it.” I gave her my typical response. “I am an over-thinker.” She quickly responded, “I am too. But I’ve learned, I miss out on moments because of it.” She had me thinking, probably overthinking all the moments I missed out on because I overthink. Now, please, say that 5 times really fast without overthinking it. I let the “what if” win. All the time. Everytime.

It’s like a spoken word poet. An inner monologue is always playing in my head. It’s loud and clear and sharp on the mic. It has rhyme and rhythm as is speaks to me. For far too long, I have let the tempo slow me down. I have let it control my choices. I have allowed it to let me miss out on the moments. And why, because it might not turn out exactly as I planned? In addition to being an overthinker, I am a planner. You have to plan for the “what if.” It’s exhausting. I’m tired just thinking about it. It’s what keeps me up at night.

As loud as that monologue is, I made a promise to myself that I would not let the “what if” in my head control me. It is in my head and it needs to stay in my head, quietly. It was not going to win. Now, let’s see how this goes. What if something… OMG, shut up! Okay, we are going to try that again. And so I did.

I may have chosen the exact moment in life to stop listening to my “what if” to have something so far out side of my comfort zone put in front of me that I wanted to run for the hills. A very spontaneous opportunity to have some wild, uncharacteristic fun. It had about 75 more “what if” scenarios than the normal things that I say no to. Really? REALLY? Can’t we just ease in to this? That’s a big nope.

So, I kept my promise to myself. And I got in my Jeep and off I went to do something that had my over-thinking running through it’s rhymes and rhythmes like a college marching band charging the field at half time. There were flags waving and trumpets blaring and cymbals crashing, the inner monologue was on over drive as I rode down a back road on Tuesday night to go somewhere I had never been to do something I’d never done.

And you know what? I did it! And, boy did I ever do it. My mom reads my blog, so I won’t go any further. The who, what, where, when and why are not important. What’s important is that I didn’t hold back, I didn’t over-think. I didn’t let the “what if” win and I did something wild and crazy and spontaneous and I had an amazing time. I feel better. I didn’t miss the moment. I am in shock that I did it but I am also glad that I did. It’s not something I plan to make a habit of but I also know that if I hadn’t, I would have been sitting here right now wondering, “what if” and I am not.

I made a promise to myself three days ago that I would find a way to use these last 88 days to turn this year into something worth remembering. (Read more about my promise here.) Well, I started on day 87 and I already have quite the memory to take along the way. I stepped out of my comfort zone, I ignored that inner monologue and I just went with it. My mind was screaming “NO!”, “STOP”, “What in the hell are you doing?” but the rest of me was moving forward. I might have pressed the pause button for a minute but I didn’t stop. I didn’t over-think. I didn’t let that rhyme and rhythm take over my brain. I let it take over my body and I danced magically in a spontaneous moment that would have never happened weeks ago.

Who is this person? What have you done with her? I am not quite sure, but I do know that after the year I have had, a little spontaneity is just what the doctor ordered. Life does not always turn out how we planned but it does turn out how it was intended to. So, please, don’t miss those moments. I know that I have 85 days left this year to make it a year worth remembering. So, when the brain goes into overdrive and life hands me more than I think I can handle, I will remember, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.

Much Love,

The Manicured Mom

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