Emotional processing

Me time.

This concept of “me time” was so foreign. As a full time working mom who runs a little Color Street nail business (Shop Color Street) on the side, “me time” was few and far between. I relished the few minutes of quiet on a Saturday morning, sitting on my patio with a cup of coffee and my thoughts. I lived for solo shopping trips and quiet morning commutes. They were my chance to recharge and refocus. They were the only quiet I got.

Wow, what a difference a few weeks makes. With joint custody, I have more “me time” then I think I need. I have endless days without my sweet boy. The first few weeks of joint custody are hard but I have a feeling they will get harder, not easier. Right now, I am filling my time up with girls nights and projects I have wanted to get done for a while. Once all the projects are complete and the busy settles down to a normal day to day, then what?

So, first, I need to stop referring to this as “me” time. So selfish and self absorbed. Me, me, me. Maybe that is why I am where I am at this point in my life. This is my time, it has always been my time. I am just spending my time differently these days. This is my time to work on me. My time to find ways to be a better person and a better Mom. My time to work on my little nail business. (Shop Color Street) My time to work on my health. My time to take a deep breathe and relax for the first time in a while. My time to just be me, nothing more, nothing less. Just me.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be who I thought I should be. Who I thought I needed to be to save my marriage. Who I thought I needed to be to help my husband battle his depression and stay sober. Who I thought I should be as I mom. Who I thought my in-laws wanted me to be. Who my friends wanted me to be. I left out a lot of who I was and I suffered for it. I was unhappy because of it. So, it is my time to reclaim me. The me I am meant to be. The me that I am today and will be tomorrow.

I will reclaim my sparkle. I will reclaim my shine. I will reclaim my independence. I will reclaim the broken part of myself and find a way to become whole. Quiets nights of reflection are allowing me to see the mistakes of my past and correct them for my future.

I will find myself in my time and I will get to know me. Do you know you? Do you like who your are? We can work on ourselves together. I will talk less and listen more. I will complain less and pray more. Yes, my life is a bit of a mess right now but at the same time, I am incredibly blessed. So I will count my blessings and I will thank God for them. I know he will see me through this mess.

I will find a new norm and I will live a new life. It will be different than I what I had hoped for. It will be different than what I thought it would be. It will be different. It will be mine. And it will be happy.

When I walked down the aisle, I envisioned growing old together not growing apart. The problem with that vision is I only had control of half of the equation and the other part just didn’t add up to a whole. (Click to read more on that.) And so, I will trudge forward with my two dogs, a cat and an awesome little boy. And I will figure out how to make sure the silence of shared custody does not make me lonely but fulfills me.

Do you have any suggestions for me? I’d love to hear. I need all the help I can get as I walk down this uncharted path. At least my batteries are strong, so, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.

Much Love,

The Manicured Mom

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