Did you ever meet someone that seems so perfect? And then, they are not? They make you question yourself and your own judgement of others? When their words don’t match their actions and you listen to the action, when all along you should have been listening to the words?
I had sirens ringing in my ears but I was not listening. I was blaming those weird questions and thoughts on my anxiety. Well, sometimes it’s not anxiety. It is your own intuition. It is a hard place to be. When you are thinking something and you can not decipher between your true intuition and your own struggles with anxiety. How do you tell the difference?
So, I was seeing this guy, I felt like something was off between us. There was a hot and cold that I just couldn’t put my finger on. I was thinking about it and thinking about it and it just wouldn’t go away. I blamed my anxiety and tried to ignore that inner monologue. It was always there, whispering in my head. It was holding me back.
How was it holding me back? I wouldn’t let my guard down. I wouldn’t take the time to invest in him. I wouldn’t give it my all. I stayed surface and superficial, so that is how I came across. I put me first in every instance because, as much as I saw his good, that inner monologue was telling me that it was not going to be as good as I thought. I tried to ignore it. I tried to not let it effect me but, ultimately, it did. It always wins. Instead of being invested, I came across as narcissistic. And to be honest, I was being a little narcissistic. It is a wall. A protection mechanism. I knew that as much as he was saying he was into me, he was not sure. And so I put up my wall, my narcissistic wall. I never gave him a chance to get to know me and I never took the time to really get to know him.
He would take three steps forward and then two steps back. It made me feel like I was in limbo. Like I was walking through our days together on egg shells. Was he going to be hot or cold? He would act one way and then say something that was completely different. One day he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. The next days he was not sure if he had time and then, he would suddenly miss me so much he needed to see me right then. Up and down and back and forth. Uneven. It added a little chaos to my brain.
And with each back and forth swing, it added another level to my wall. I was preparing for the ball to drop. I knew it was coming before we even got started. I was not investing and I really wanted to be but his actions just held me back. I went right back to what was easy. When you act shallow and superficial and moderately narcissistic, it is easy to not get to know someone. It is easy to not invest. It is easy to walk away and not really care. It is easy to enjoy the moment and not worry about tomorrow.
It is also lonely and heartbreaking. It is a little bit of self-sabotage. I am very good at that. If you burn the bridge down before it get’s built, you don’t waste anyone’s time. It is my motus-operandi. It is easier to sabotage then it is to get hurt. It makes the ending, of a potentially good thing, easy. And it was. As quickly as it started, it was over. And I will move on. He will walk away thinking I am shallow and narcissistic. I will walk away knowing those actions kept me from getting hurt.
Ultimately, I learned as lesson, as much as that inner-monologue was bugging me, I need to pay better attention to it. Not all the voices are anxiety. Some of them, I need to learn to listen to. Some of them are warnings. I should have known the back and forth were signs but I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted it to work but, also, I was not willing to invest when I knew in the back of my mind that it was off. You have to be willing to invest, and when you can’t, nothing good will come of it.
So, that chapter is over and I am back to my adventures in dating. It was fun while it lasted. We had a good time. I learned a little about myself. I enjoyed a moment in time. Maybe next time, I’ll be able to let myself be open. Maybe next time, I’ll allow myself to invest. And maybe next time, I’ll listen to my inner-monologue and not waste my time. Maybe, next time, I’ll learn.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe not. What I do know is that my actions and who I am, are greatly effected by the action of others. When I have questions about someone’s true intentions, I will always go for superficial. I will always build a wall. And right now, I have to say, that I am really glad that I did. Without that wall, it would be hard to just move on as if it didn’t happen, but I will. The view is pretty interesting from the top of that wall.
I am a work in progress. Every day, I learn a little more. Every day, I grow a little more. Every day, I laugh a little more. And everyday, I remember, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull you shine.
The Manicured Mom