Dating, Emotional processing

There is something unexplainable.

What happens when the past comes back? Do you ever look at someone and know that your road will not be easy? Baggage. Suitcases full. You know they are there. You know they are loaded and heavy. You know that they will have to be unpacked. You know that it would be easier to keep looking. To keep dating. To stay single. And yet, there is something unexplainable.

I talked about red flags and how they are not always bad, you just have to decide if you can live with them. (Read more here.) Flags and baggage. They seem to go hand in hand. We all have them. Some more than others. So, what do you do with it? Do you ignore them? Do you work through them? Do you accept them?

Do you run?

I usually do. At the first sign of trouble, I run. At the first little bump, I run. I run because it seems safer than taking risks. I run because it is easier to live on the surface. I run because I don’t want to deal with my emotions. I run because… this list is so long. We would be here for weeks. So, how long can I run? Apparently, not very long. I am at the point where I want to run. Well, I tried to run, but I can’t. He wouldn’t let me. I wouldn’t let me. I lost my running shoes. We keep going in circles and the tread wore out. I tried to run, but I didn’t. There is something unexplainable.

There are connections you make in life that you don’t really realize are there. You see each other. You chat. You laugh. You don’t really think anything of it. Years pass and time goes on. Life brings you to a place where there is so much going on and you learn you have a common ground. You meet. You chat. You laugh but this time around, there is so much more. And it all comes with a little baggage. A mutual past brings up issues that make you question your choices. It makes the flight reaction kick into high gear. So, you stand back. You try to walk away but you can’t. You do the only thing you know how to do. You push back. You make it hard. You cause issues. And there he is. There is something unexplainable.

Do you run?

You try. You buy new sneakers. You avoid the situation. You date. You peruse other options. You date some more and you still keep going back. You keep giving reasons why you can’t. Why you won’t. Why you shouldn’t. He still keeps coming back. So, what’s stopping me? Fear, baggage, trust issues but most of all, it’s the what if. It’s easy to jump in when you have nothing to lose. When you know what you have to lose, it’s easier to be the one that said you did not want it. It’s easier to say no than to take the risk of being told no. But… there is something unexplainable.

So, you test the waters. You get your feet wet. You are wadding in and then… That past, those mutual connections, they come back and make you question everything.

Do you run?

If it were anyone else, I would have. I don’t take risks when it comes to matters of the heart. I was talking with my sweet friend about how it would be easier to run than to risk, she posed the question, “Would it? I am not so sure it would.” I think she was right. She made me wonder, what if? What if I didn’t run? Maybe, it was not him that I was scared of, maybe it was the fact that I was used to existing in my shallow space where I never involved my heart. Maybe, just maybe, I needed to stop running because if I didn’t, I would be running forever. Maybe, just maybe, it really was something unexplainable. And maybe it was worth the risk.

I listened to that friend. I listened to that man. I thought about that something. I thought about the smiles. I thought about the baggage. I thought about the connections. I thought about the trust issues. I thought about the laughter. I thought about the sweet moments. I thought… And then I realized, I wanted to take the risk more than I wanted to say goodbye.

Do you run?

To be honest, if not for the council of that really good friend, I might have. You see, when my heart is on the line, I shut down. And then, I run. Fast and hard and far away. But, I didn’t. I stayed and I talked and I listened and I put it all on the table and I move forward with fear in my heart and hope in my head.

Do you run?

Not when there is something unexplainable. An unexplainable laughter. An unexplainable understanding. An unexplainable connection. I don’t know what it is or where is comes from but I do know that if I don’t give it a chance, I will spend the rest of my life wondering what it was and if he was the one. And so, I am taking the risk through red flags and baggage and it makes me sparkle more than I have in years. And if it doesn’t work out? I’ll be better for having tried. I will have enjoyed some amazing moments. I will have made some incredible memories. I will have laughed more than I have in years. I won’t run. Not this time.

So, now, I am up here, at the top of wall (Read more here.) looking over my beautifully blessed, messy life and balancing. It is hard to dance on a wall. I know that I have decided not to run. But, I want to dance. Now, should I jump? Will he catch me? I hope he does, but if he doesn’t, I will remember, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.

Much Love, 

The Manicured Mom

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