Dating, Emotional processing, Therapy

I Found The Words.

Are you tired of hearing from me this week? I have had a lot to work through and I am thankful you have been hear to get me through it. I prayed for the words to tell the small boy he would not be seeing Mr. X and his kids anymore. And my prayers were answered. I prayed for the strength to get through this and it seems to be there. I prayed and things got better. It is amazing when you give it to God, the work he does is beyond measure and his grace is neverending.

In case you are just catching up, let’s run through this one more time. This man has told me he was in love with me. He has told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We never fought. We had a great relationship. Something happen between our kids. It really bothered him. He wanted me to promise him something my child may not capable of. He said his kids were not safe around my small boy. Umm… if you know my small boy that may make you laugh. I would not make the promise, so he came to pick up his stuff from my house. As he was packing his car he said “You know, I love you, right?” Shortly after, he walked in, grabbed his last box, walked to his car and drove away without saying goodbye. I sent a text questioning that. I sent another telling him how much I loved him. The next day, I sent another text because I had found more of his stuff and wanted to return it and get my things from him. I tried again the next day twice. And the next day once. He did not return a single text. I dropped his stuff on his porch without ringing the bell and text him to let him know it was there since his key was in the bag. He did not return the text. He did not return my stuff. Another day passed. He blocked me on social media. He has not contacted me since he walked out my door.

So, where am I going with this? After I layed it out and prayed on it. I came to one great big conclusion. These are the actions of a man child and my son and I deserve so much better than him. I will not waste another moment of my life on him.

Today, as I was talking about the week with my small boy, he said, “Are Mr. X and his kids coming to stay this weekend?” This time I was not stumped. I was not shocked. I was not hiding my tears. I simply responded, “No.” Of course, he asked, “Why?” I responded. “You know that it is always Mama’s job to protect you, right?” He nodded yes. “You know Mama loves you so much, right?” He nodded yes. “You know you are my number one, right?” He nodded yes. Then he asked, “But why aren’t they coming?” And I gave him the most honest answer that I could. “Mama’s job is to always love you and protect you from bad people and Mr. X did some things that made me realize he was a pretty bad person. So, I think that it is best that he is not around you this weekend or ever again.” He looked at me, turned his head in confusion and then smile and said, “Yeah, we don’t like bad people. I love you so much Mama!”

Ahhhhh…. Can you hear that sigh of relief? Can you feel the tension releasing from my shoulder? And so, that is it. My kiddo gets it. He is okay and he understands. And for me? I am still heartbroken but I also know that when he walked away, he did me a huge favor. This could have gone on so much longer without me realizing who he really was. I know I should have let it go today but I just couldn’t yet. When I realized he not only refused to text me back but also blocked me on social media, instead of being hurt, I got angry. I sent him one final text.

This is where I tell on myself. This is where I admit that sometimes, I lack the self control to keep my mouth shut. Part of me wanted to make sure he was as hurt as I was, so I text him, “You are a very special type of asshole. I was over here concerned and worried about you. I was considering texting your brother just to make sure you were okay. You are the coldest, cruelest person I have ever met in my entire life. I now understand why your life is in such a shitty place. I would have given you the world. I would have loved you unconditionally. I would have done just about anything for you and now? I hope Karma wins. This is the last time you will ever hear from me again. You do not deserve another moment of my life, my heart or my time. For you kids, I hope you get your shit together. They deserve a great father.” And there it is. That is the end of my something unexplainable.

From the moment we got together, I said there was something unexplainable between us. I know that was my blind adoration and my heart overriding the intelligent brain in my head. I don’t know why I let that happen, but it was definitely something unexplainable. I wrote this when we were newer in our relationships

Do you run?

Not when there is something unexplainable. An unexplainable laughter. An unexplainable understanding. An unexplainable connection. I don’t know what it is or where is comes from but I do know that if I don’t give it a chance, I will spend the rest of my life wondering what it was and if he was the one. And so, I am taking the risk through red flags and baggage and it makes me sparkle more than I have in years. And if it doesn’t work out? I’ll be better for having tried. I will have enjoyed some amazing moments. I will have made some incredible memories. I will have laughed more than I have in years. I won’t run. Not this time.(Read more on that here.)

“And if it doesn’t work out? I’ll be better for having tried.” Well, there you have it. I may have gotten my heart broken but I am better for it. I am stronger. I learned that you can’t fix someone else’s broken. I learned not to ignore the red flags. I learned to follow my gut. I learned that I can live this life alone or with someone and I can be happy. I learned. I am better. I will be okay. I will remember, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.

Much Love, 

The Manicured Mom

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