As I come public with my life and my struggles, I expect there to be judgement. It’s part of the game. There are those that will agree, those that will disagree, those that will be hurt and those that will judge. For those that are hurt, the truth has a tendency to sting. I know all to well. For those that judge, please take a long, hard look at yourself before you do.
There are a lot that people don’t know about me. I am extremely social, but… I am superficial social. There are very few people that know exactly how I feel. It takes a lot to breakthrough this tough exterior that surrounds my heart. Even those closest to me, sometimes, wonder what is going on inside my head.
There are many that think they know, but most only know what I have put out, not what lies beneath the surface. If only they knew… I have spent a lot of time trying to be the person society thought I should be. Try to fit in a mold that is just too small. It’s time I make my own.
Well, here I am. You may not like what you find out. This is me and I won’t apologize for that. I have gotten to a point in my life that I do not want to live within the confinement’s of other people’s walls. I am not going to hide who I am. I am not going to be the person I am supposed to be. I am going to be the person I am. All the good, the bad and the ugly. Please, if you feel the need, judge me for that but know that your judgement is yours to bare. There is only one true judge, and that is God. And I will answer to him. He loves the imperfect and that I am.
As much as I want perfection, I am broken. But, oh, the grace of God, thank you for that. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am forever perfect because I am made in his image. He will judge me, I will repent and he will forgive me. I’m trying to put out my truth and sometime it hurts. Sometimes it’s ugly. Close your eyes if it’s too much.
I don’t take my words lightly. I don’t think this is all a joke. I have to live with each and every word that I put down and they are helping me. Helping me heal. Helping me be a better person. Helping me release my stress. Helping me become who I want to be.
Why? Why do I choose to do this so publicly? Because I know I am not alone. I know there are others who walk the same path. Maybe, you struggle to? Maybe, we might find a common ground that helps us both. Maybe, I am not as crazy as I feel.
Do I worry that I might hurt my family? No, not one bit. I hope that they will hear the truth in my words. I love my family deeply. They are why I am doing this. I hope that they will read each story in it’s entirety and get the true message. The true message can not be found in a single word. It must be chased the entire way to the finish line. This is my attempt to take the bad that life throws at you and find the sparkle in the muck. You have to run through the mud before you can be washed clean by the water. I want out of the mud. I want to shine brighter than my glitter dipped nails (shameless Color Street Plug, click to join my VIP group.)
The truth is not always easy to hear or easy to put it to words. Sometime, I see the ugly in myself. I can only hope that as I type it out, it makes me a better person for admitting my faults. Admitting my selfishness. Admitting my mom struggles. It is so hard to admit that you struggle but doing so allows me to see the issues and work towards a solutions. I am not perfect, but I try not to screw things up too badly.
We all make mistakes. Maybe, I will look back on this blog as the biggest one but we never know until we try. Nothing is accomplished if we don’t try. So let’s keep trying. Trying to be better. Trying new things. Trying to change. Trying to help. Trying to learn. Let’s try together. We might just find out that we become just a little bit better.
I appreciate you indulging me as I try to find my sparkle. It’s been hidden for a while and it’s time to let it out. Do you want to try to? Okay, then, let’s do this together. Tell me which way to I go? I hope we can chat soon. Now, let me find my map, the road has a lot of twist and turns, so remember, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.
The Manicure Mom