Some people don’t come right out and lie. They just omit the truth. They give you just enough truthful information to lead you to believe they are making the right choices and doing the right things. They only give you half the story. The other half, well, it is very important. Without it, you don’t know the truth. You find out the truth is so far from what you thought that you feel like your trust was built on a lie. You feel foolish and naive.
This has been my experience recently. My husband made a few bad judgements. He didn’t think he was doing anything wrong but he also knows how I feel about these things. He made a decision not to tell me. It wasn’t major, it just was. He didn’t cheat, he didn’t steal, he didn’t mismanage our finances and no, he didn’t start drinking again, so let’s just clear that up, right now, before the rumor mill starts running.
As you have already learned, I don’t trust easy and my trust is fragile. After nearly 6 years of alcoholism, recovery and depression, I was finally getting to the point where I could trust him again. He was doing all the right things and telling me all the right things. He was also doing things he knew I wouldn’t be fond of and making a conscientious decision to not tell me. His omission was a lie. As little as it was, it was still a lie.
I recently posted about how proud I was of him and how our life was getting better. I recently called him kind and gentle and brave and I believed those things and I still do. I, also, believed he had changed. And he has, but not as much as I was lead to believe. I had finally put my parachute in the closet. We had fixed the plane and the sky’s were clear. At night, we didn’t need lights because I was sparkling brighter than I had in a long time. Life was good. We were good.
It was the first time in 6 years that I thought we had made it through the battle and we had won.
Dammit, that parachute is in the closet. Damn him, he promised I wouldn’t need it. Damn me, I believed him. How could I be so stupid? This was just the test flight. You should never go on a test flight without your chute. I should have known better. I thought we had double and triple checked everything. But here we are… Ouch. The pain is deeper than it has ever been. This time it stings so much more. This time we had rebuilt from years of wreckage and the crash has left me damaged beyond repair.
I felt like I had been to war and back and I survived. I wanted my purple heart. I wanted my badge of honor. What did I get? The knowledge that during all the time we were rebuilding that plane, he was slowly poking nearly invisible holes in the oil line. When put under pressure, that line popped. He was doing things he knew that I wouldn’t like, but since he didn’t think they were wrong, he did them anyway.
His little omissions hit me like a ton of bricks. He made me believed that he would never hurt me again. He was finally giving me the chance to breath and the chance to sparkle and I was letting down my walls.
Well, this was it. It may have been little but after years of turmoil, it was more than I could bear. I’m rebuilding my wall. This time, it will have a door with a great big lock and lots of chains. When you have been through six years of ups and downs and lies and heartbreak, you begin to crumble. And I have crumbled. Now, I have to rebuild. I no longer have the energy to work on us. I no longer want to fix something that keeps breaking. I need to work on me. I need to work on finding my own happiness.
I need to find a way to be okay with me. I need to find away to start over. I need to find my sparkle for me and for my son. I need him to know how special he is and how sorry I am that we won’t have the life I dreamed we would. We won’t have the fairytale. I married for better or for worse but when the worse becomes more than you can handle and you start to lose yourself, you have to step back and reevaluate. You have to walk away.
So, y’all are probably really confused. You are probably thinking, what is going on? She just posted a blog about how proud she was of her husband and how life couldn’t be sweeter and I did. (Click here to read that blog.) I thought it was all true. I thought we were on the backside of recovery. I thought we were getting back to finding that couple that fell in love. I thought he was doing everything to make this work. I thought he was doing everything to build my trust. I thought we were going to get through this. But, he lied by omission and that is still a lie. He only told me half the truth. The truth that made me believe I didn’t need that parachute and then he threw me out of the plane.
Well, we’ve crashed and burned one too many times. (Click here to read about the first crash.) I no longer want to be covered in his ashes. His mess is his to live with. I would have lived through his depression but I will not live through any more lies. Big or small, they are lies. My trust is buried under that pile of lies somewhere.
I have learned one too many lessons. I have had one too many promises broken. I can’t go back to the way it was. Even if I could, I don’t want to. I just want it to be over. I want to focus on being a better version of myself. I don’t want to focusing on my problems with a man that keeps breaking my heart. I need to start focusing on being the best Mom I can be for my sweet, little boy. He is going to need a lot of extra love right now and I need to make sure I have enough to give.
This breaks my heart and I hope one day this sweet boy understands that I am doing this because I love him so very much. And while I focus on us, I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that his father takes the time to get the help he needs. He needs to find away to accept himself. He needs to find a way to love himself. He needs to find his own way. He needs to be okay for our son.
We have a long road ahead of us. I hope you are there to cheer me on. I’m gonna need a little extra support. But, I will try to remember, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.
The Manicured Mom.