My journey has been long. The hill has been steep and the crash has been rough. The last few months of my life have been the hardest I have ever been through. I have cried more tears than I knew my body held.
I lost my Dad two and a half months ago and it has not gotten any easier. I am losing my husband and that is equally as hard. I am starting over at nearly 45. Just me, my job and my sweet little boy. I never thought I would be starting over. I wanted the fairytale.
The tough decision to walk away from my marriage is not one I took lightly. It was one I have anguished over for 3 years. I learned something as I watched my Dad in his final days. Though the days feel long, the years are so, very short. I don’t want to turn over in my final days and wish I would have had more fun, more laughter, more joy and more hope. I don’t want to wonder if I could have been happy if I tried little harder. I want to be happy.
My father lived his life to make others smile. He made a special little corner in his world for each person he met. I was his favorite and so was my sister and my brother and my mother. He made each person feel as if they were his favorite. He showed us love and kindness. He should us how to love and how to be kind. He lived life without regrets. He knew tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed. (Click here to read more on losing my Dad.)
He taught me to be strong and silly and to never back down from a challenge. He taught me to stand on my own two feet and boy, am I glad he did. My parents were high school sweethearts. I was raised to believe that you marry till death do you part. And they did. Man, I miss him. I wish I could ask for his advice right now. I wish he were here to let me cry on his shoulder. I wish he were here to tell me that I am making the right choice. I wish he were here, but he is gone.
My life is a bit of a mess. It is chaotic and emotional. It is enough to make you want to shut down, but I learned, through my father’s four year battle with cancer, you never give up and you never give in. You fight. You fight for your family. You fight for your happiness. You fight for what is right. You fight for yourself. Until his dying breath, he fought. And so will I.
I know that he would worry about me. I know that he would want me to be okay. And so I will. It will take a little while for the sting to go away but in time it will. In time, I will be okay. I can’t promise that it will be tomorrow or next week but I can promise, it will be.
And for today, I will put my best foot forward. I will try to make it through. I will reach out to a friend. We will talk. We will share. We will make a pack for #12days. Not next month or next year but #12days.
There is a funny little back story. I was messaging with a dear friend. We are both going through some stuff and we were dumping our emotions when I mentioned that I thought it was funny we met online because of a 12 Days of Shopping event we were hosting. To which, she quickly responded, “Maybe that’s our motto. #12days We can do anything for #12days, right? When times get tough, 12 days doesn’t seem like that many. If we can make it 12 days, then we can make it 12 more, and 12 more.”
So simple. So easy. So #12days. That is the promise I will make. I will make it through the next 12 days. What about you? What is your promise? What are you getting through?
Nothing seems to much to endure when you only have to wait #12days for it to be over. And so for the next #12days, I will allow myself to cry. I will allow myself to be sad. I will show myself the grace required to make it through the dark days. But when those #12days are over, it will be time to start over. Not everyone gets the chance to make up for the past that they missed out on, but I do.
I get to make up for the times I put everyone else before myself. I will make up for the times I was just too tired to play with my little guy. I will make up for the canceled plans. The missed phone calls. The missed opportunities. It’s hard to really participate in all that life has to offer when you are carrying a heavy parachute. (Click to read about my parachute.) And so, I will actively participate.
Is it so hard to do something for yourself for #12days? I know I am going to try. What is on your list? What changes do you want to make?
Thanks for joining me. I’d love to hear from you. And everyday for the next #12days, remind yourself, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.
The Manicured Mom.