color street, Emotional processing, Marriage Struggles

One Month In.

It has been just over a month since my husband moved out and we started sharing custody of our little guy. What a month it has been. I have had some of the best times of my life and some of the hardest moments. The adjustment to this new life is different. It’s hard to figure out where, exactly, you fit in. And where, exactly, you want to be.

When you are part of a couple, you have your couple friends. When you are a single, you have your single friends. When you are separated, you have…oh wait, you find that this group is smaller. There is not a lot of commonality. Everyone’s story is so different. Everyone’s goals are different.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my couple friends but right now, it is, sometimes, hard to watch them with their happy families and wonder why mine didn’t turn out like that? And then, I remember the reason why I choose the path I am on. I think about what brought me to my current status in life and I am thankful for this chance to start over. I am thankful to have hope.

When I am struggling with anything thing, I turn to two things, God and motivational videos. God is my constant but it’s videos like this that I love, The 13 Truths by Matthew MaConaughey is worth listening to every time you feel like you are lacking directions. I know it is what I listen to.

I said to a friend, “It kind of sucks to be starting over at 45.” She quickly responded, “At least your not 55.” And she was right. 45 is not young but I have a lot of life left to live, so I will choose to live it joyfully. I will find my place. I am blessed with so much good that I need to remember not to let it be overshadowed by the dark moments. We all have them. If you say that you don’t, either you are not being truthful with yourself or you are lying.

Everyone is fighting a battle. In the last year, I have lost a father and a marriage. I have watched friends lose loved ones, babies, jobs, and more. We all have to push forward and so we do. It is how we push forward that determines our future. Some choose to stay in the dark. It’s easier to give up than it is to move on. Some choose to live in sadness because it allows them to hold on to the past. Some feel like if they are happy, they are disrespecting the past. Some can’t find the path out. Some are so overwhelmed by the hard moments that they are lost.

I am one of the fortunate ones. I can see it. I know where it is and how to get there and so I will. I will move forward. I will find my place and I will figure out the best fit for me. I can’t fathom how hard it would be to stay stuck in the past, unable to let go. Unable to move forward. Unable to undo the mistakes that were made and yet, also, unable to forgive ones self for those mistake.

There are two people to blame when a relationship fails. And so I will take on part of the blame but I will also forgive myself for it. You know, grace. Grace allows me to forgive because the only one that truly matters has forgiven me. Thank you God for your overwhelming grace. You get me through it all.

The past is the past for a reason. It is behind us. It’s hard to navigate the rough terrain ahead when all we do is look backwards. Let’s not look. Let’s keep our eyes facing ahead and imagine all that awaits us. It is a chance for new opportunities, new experiences and new memories. New is exciting and scary and exhilarating and shiny. I like shiny. It makes me sparkle. Shiny brings light for the road ahead and sparkle brings joy. So choose new and you will find joy.

When I look at what I am leaving behind, there is sadness that the ending of this book was not what I pictured and that is okay. It is okay to be sad but don’t stay there too long or you might miss out on something magical. I am starting a new book. One filled with hope. Hope is something that I lost a while back. I had given in to my situation and just lived there. I accepted that I was not happy. I kept trying to find it but I couldn’t and so I just lived in it. What a sad place to live. I did nothing to make it better. I didn’t know how, so I didn’t try. I just lived unhappily. There were many great memories and some happy moment but they never outshined the unhappiness, they just covered it up for a bit. It alway resurfaced, each time, a little more. Each time, it got a little harder to hold on to. My happiness was slowly fading away.

So, one month ago, I opened the cover of a new books. It is just the beginning, and you know what beginnings are for? Character building. Beginnings set the tone for the rest of the book. So, my question is? How do you want it to go? I think a story of hope and resilience would be good. So, let’s build my character. Where do I start? I think I am still working on that but I am starting to figure it out.

When we find ourselves at a crossroad, we must carefully choose which way we turn and we must always remember, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.

Much Love,

The Manicure Mom

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2 thoughts on “One Month In.”

  1. Keep forgiving yourself and allowing that grace and keep looking for that path and striving to get there. When the light seems dim, reach out and ask someone to change those flashlight batteries so you can keep pushing forward. You’ve got this! A year from now you will look back and be able to see such growth because you chose to lean in to the Almighty.

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