Emotional processing, Marriage Struggles, Mourning a Love One

What chapter are you on?

Ever read a really good book and want to skip to the end? I am learning that you can’t skip chapters. Part of me wants to pretend the last year didn’t happen and go right back to before it all started. Not to the circumstances, not to the marriage but, to the person I was. When my Dad was still here. When I wasn’t trying to figure it all out but, I can’t. I want to skip through this chapter of adjustment and healing. I don’t enjoy the pages filled with mixed up emotions and sleepless nights but life, just as books, does not work that way. You need to read the whole story to know what really happen.

You have to open them up and read every word. You have to take it in and process it. Some chapters are light and airy and you breeze right through them. Some will make you laugh. Some will make make you cry and others, well, they will make you want to slam the book shut or skip ahead a chapter or two.

Neither option works. If you slam it shut, it’s never finished. It’s sitting there waiting for you. It may be collecting dust up on a shelf but it’s still there and it always will be. One day, it will fall and hit you right in the head and you’ll have to finish it. If you skip ahead a chapter or two, you miss out on the important things that you need to understand the next chapters. You can’t really enjoy the rest of the book if you don’t understand how you got to that part. There will be so many questions. So…those other chapter, you have to read them.

They are hard and gut wrenching and they seem like the words come so slowly. That is where I am right now. I am on one of those other chapters. A hard chapter. I want to skip ahead. I want to be past this phase of healing and adjusting. One day, I am so excited for the next chapter and the next day I can’t seem to get through the page because my eyes are stinging and my head is spinning.

Losing a parent and a marriage at the same time is a whole lot to process. One day, I miss my Dad and wish I had a husband to lean on. The next day, I hate the husband and wish I had my Dad to lean on. I don’t have either and some days it is just too much. This chapter is long and hard but I know it has an ending. I just wish I could see that last sentence.

I know I have a few more pages to go. I hope my head is clear enough that I can get through them quickly because I want to get to the pages where I can’t stop turning, where I don’t want to put it down. Where there is excitement and action and lots of laughs. I could use a chapter like that right now.

I could use a chapter filled with breathtaking moments and long, lazy days. I could use a chapter filled with long kisses and adoring glances. I could use a chapter filled with answers and advancements. I could use a chapter that is not this one. But this is where I am at in my book and I am facing it.

So, I keep on reading, hoping to see that half of a page of text that lets me know that a new chapter is about to begin. I am not there yet. So, until then, in the midst of chaos, I’ll sparkle. I will not let life dull my shine.

Much Love,

The Manicured Mom

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