When you put in the hard work, you reap the rewards. A day spent cleaning rewards me with a shiny home. An afternoon spent washing the Jeep rewards me with a shiny jeep. A few months searching your soul rewards you with a shiny you. It takes work, reflection, support and tears but when you face your issues and dive into yourself, you might just find your sparkle.
Look inside and you might find, you can be okay with you. You might find, you can be a better mom, a better employee, a better friend and a better person when you love yourself just as you are. I don’t need to be different. I just need to be me and when I am okay with that, everything is better.
This week has been a bright light in my world. I have my son, my job was busy, my nail business was busy (Shop Color Street), life was busy. I found myself pushing to do more. I found myself wishing I would have snuggled a little long with my son Wednesday night. I had lunches to pack and stuff to finish and I needed to get to bed. Work comes early. I beat myself up for a minute. I told myself that I wasn’t a good mom. I questioned why I didn’t have more time? Maybe, I needed to work faster, organize more, prepare more. I couldn’t do enough. Why wasn’t I good enough?
I went to bed sad and defeated. I made a promise that I would do better tomorrow. Tomorrow is not promised, we only have today. That was just not good enough. And then, he hit me, like a strike of lightning. As clear as day, I was laying in bed saying my prayers and I just couldn’t be there anymore. I left something undone in the kitchen. There was a glass on the counter to be put away. I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t sleep because I knew there was this glass on the counter. A stupid glass was keeping me up.
Why? Why was this bugging me so much? I don’t know but I had to go wash it and put it away. Just one more thing I didn’t have enough time for. So, out of bed I go to the kitchen, but when I got to where I was sure this annoying glass was, I found that I had already put it away. That glass should have been sitting on my counter right in front of a little sign I bought a few weeks ago. The sign says, “You have enough. You do enough. You are enough.” And then I smiled.
Why was that glass bothering me so much? It wasn’t the glass at all. It was God. Faith is a funny thing. Just when you question if your prayers are being heard, you get a little reminder. “You have enough. You do enough. You are enough.” God didn’t buy that sign on my kitchen counter but he made sure that I read it when I needed the reminder the most.
You see, I bought that sign hoping one day I would fully believe those words and for the first time in a very long time, I did. God showed me that If I gave myself to him he would never let me down. He made me fully breath in those words. I felt a sparkle that I haven’t felt in a while and for the first time in a very long time, everything seemed brighter. I could see the shine.
And so, I have enough, I do enough, I am enough. What a glorious moment God and I had at my kitchen counter as I was smiling up at the ceiling saying thank you. A few minutes later, I went to sleep and had the first peaceful night of sleep I have had since my Dad died 4 months ago. (Read more about my Dad here.)
My dad’s death started me down the sleepless road, the separation from my husband lead me the rest of the way. (Read more about that here.) I’ve spent a lot of the last few months in a bit of a fog from lack of sleep. And since that night, I am sleeping. Thank you God for coming to my rescue and showing me the light so that my eyes could rest at night. What I have learn through all this is, I was preaching to my own choir about showing myself grace. I was wavering in my faith, so I didn’t have the grace to give myself. At church last week, I heard, “A troubled faith is better than no faith at all.” Thank you, Abigail Reinhard and Pastor Derwin Gray for speaking those words at Tranformation Church. Abigail’s life and her story spoke to me in ways that I didn’t even know.
Their world rang so true to me. How could Christ forgive me when I walked away from my marriage? I don’t know how but I know he did because through my self-doubt and sadness he showed me that I am enough. He gave me a sign. What a powerful thing to know and to feel. What a powerful moment.
The rest of the week, I stopped focusing on what I couldn’t do and took pride in what I did do. The kitchen was little messier but man, did I enjoy an early night watching movies in bed with my little guy. We had a blast at the water park. We had a camp out in his playroom on the blow up. We planned a trip to the zoo but it didn’t happen. Normally, I would have made my little guy get up and go but when he said, “Mama, I don’t want to go to the pool or the zoo today. Can we just do nothing together?” I said “Yes, buddy we can.” And I turned on his beloved Amazon Prime and went to the closet and found a box from my LEGO stash and we spent half the day building legos and drawing.
Then we took in a movie. The best part, he snuggled in and ask to sit on my lap. He’s six. These days are numbered, so I soaked in every minute. We ended our day with a dinner I have told him “no” on forever. He wanted to make pancakes and decorate them with frosting and sprinkles and so we did. We snuggled for a show and then off to bed he went. I smiled because he did. This week has been a win for me and so I thought it should be for him. We both won this week.
After this sweet boy went to sleep, I took some time for me. I exfoliated my skin and put on my favorite Beauty Counter charcoal mask that I get from my friend Jessica over at Conscious Beauty and typed till my heart was content. And so, it is.
I think we all need to do a better job of remembering, “You have enough. You do enough. You are enough.” Having enough, it’s not big houses and fancy cars, if I learned anything from my Dad, having enough is full bellies and smiling faces. Doing enough is not a perfectly spotless house and committing to every wish. Doing enough is leaving the moment a little better than it was. Doing enough is relying on your faith to give you hope. Being enough is not reaching some unattainable standard of perfection. It is being okay with you, exactly as God intended you to be, imperfect and flawed And now, I can say, I am okay with me. I am enough.
Are you okay with you? I hope that you find your place and realize that you are enough. I hope that God leads you to the happiness you deserve. You only need to be enough for you and that is all. So, as we head down this road, please remember, in the midst of chaos, sparkle. Don’t let life dull your shine.
The Manicured Mom